The Martian (2015)

After he is accidentally left behind on Mars, botanist/astronaut Mark Watney (Matt Damon) must “science the shit” out of his surroundings in order to stay alive using equipment that was never designed to last. At the same time a group NASA scientists and engineers lead by Vincent Kapoor (Chiwetel Ejiofor) work tirelessly to find a way to bring Mark back. The question is though, should they tell the crew that left Mark behind that he’s still alive and if they do how will they react? I recently read the novel this film is based on and I made no secret of the fact that I loved it when I reviewed it. Unfortunately for me the film did not quite live up. I enjoyed Damon playing Watney – he injects the requisite humour and tenacity into the character. Watney is the absolute centre of the story and without Damon’s performance it would have fallen completely flat. I also thought it looked pretty amazing and I totally believed it was Mars. On the other hand the supporting cast despite being awesome (Jessica Chastain, Michael Peña, Kristen Wiig, Jeff Daniels, Kate Mara, Ben Wong…) aren’t given an enormous amount to do and they just feel wasted and underused. The novel is a constant roller coaster ride but in places the film plods along and I never felt like Watney was in any kind of danger where the book had me on the edge of my seat. I know this isn’t a popular opinion and most people loved it but for me it was a decently entertaining but totally forgettable film. Don’t let me stop you but if you’re a big fan of the book you might be left a bit flat. 3/5

Mark had come to the disturbing conclusion that he had shit himself

Kids for Cash (2013)

Following the Columbine shootings Judge Mark Ciavarella became famous for his hard line attitude towards juvenile offenders. It was well-known and accepted that if a juvenile came in front of him, he would convict and incarcerate. Initially Ciaverella was applauded for his actions but when parents of minor offenders became suspicious an investigation was launched which lead to a disturbing discovery. Ciavarella had not only taken money from a developer who built juvenile detention facilities but he had also mislead families to waive their right to legal representation. This documentary unfolds the story using actual courtroom and media footage, interviews with offenders and their families and surprisingly Ciavarella himself as he is prosecuted for his actions. Seeing the damaging legacy being locked up has had on teenagers and children who did things as silly as making a My Space page about their headmistress is truly upsetting and Ciavarella’s insistence that he stands by his actions which supposedly had nothing to do with the money is chilling. Unfortunately it feels a bit like this documentary could have been about 45 minutes shorter than it was and by hammering its point it loses impetus and impact and is ultimately less than satisfying. 2.5/5

Don’t think you can pretend you didn’t shit on that swan! I saw you!

Election (1999)

Tracy Flick (Reese Witherspoon) is a real go-getter. She’s part of every club in school, she’s a straight-A student, she never fails and she has big dreams and all of these dreams hinge on her becoming Student Body President, something she’s been planning for years and for which she is running unopposed. Jim McAllister (Matthew Broderick) loves teaching and he particularly loves being in charge of student government. What he doesn’t love is Tracy Flick, following her career-ruining affair with his best-friend and former fellow teacher, Dave (Mark Harelik). With this in mind Jim comes up with the cunning plan of getting injured footballer and all round nice guy, Paul Metzler (Chris Klein) to run against Tracy… something that is going to antagonise his anatchist lesbian sister to the point of distraction. As Jim becomes more and more involved with rigging the election in his favour he moves further and further away from his own internal ethical compass, which leads to a catastrophic unraveling of his personal and professional life, who knew student government could get so political? Election really is comedy of the blackest variety. Every character is detestable on some (often many) levels and watching the lengths they will go to and the lies they tell themselves is fascinating. Witherspoon here shows an early talent for playing a particular kind of neurotic Aryan overachiever and Broderick is on point as a man realising that he has completely wasted any potential he might have had and that he really doesn’t know who he is at all. Even Klein is surprisingly good but then maybe he is just that dumb and playing himself. Who knows? Basically you’ll laugh and then be repulsed with yourself for laughing and isn’t that just the best? A deserved cult classic! 3.5/5

Tracy’s bowl of free condoms was going down a treat

Junebug (2005)

After a whirlwind courtship, Chicago art dealer Madeline (Embeth Davidtz) marries George (Allesandro Nivola) – originally from North Carolina. When Madeline discovers that an artist she desperately wants to represent lives near George’s family home the two decide to make a trip for her to meet her in-laws. Here she is immediately presented with a culture shock. Madeline is a well-traveled citizen of the world with sophisticated manners leaving her at a loss when dealing with George’s rather more earthy relatives including his heavily pregnant sister-in-law, Ashley (Amy Adams) and angry disaffected brother (Ben McKenzie). As Madeline gets to know the family better and bonds with Ashley, she realises that she may not know George as well as she thought she did and that fitting into his life outside Chicago might be more of a challenge than she expected. The themes in Junebug will feel familiar to anyone who has moved away from where they grew up either physically or figuratively and then returned either alone or with a new partner in tow and it poses the question of whether you can ever truly escape where you came from or if it is possible to know someone without knowing the people who raised them. While this is essentially one of those movies where not all that much happens it is packed with powerful performances both from Davidtz, who does an excellent job of balancing kind and polite with confused and often shocked, and Adams who is an absolute scene-stealer as the endlessly optimistic and over familiar Ashley. If family melodrama is your thing as much as it is mine, Junebug is definitely worth a watch. 3.5/5

Ashley felt like her corsage game was more on point than at any other time of her life

 Sicario (2015)

Kate Macer (Emily Blunt) is an FBI agent who specialises in kidnapping cases. After she and her team make a grisly discovery during a raid her determination to get a shot at the drug cartels involved is greater than ever which is why she agrees to be seconded onto a special task force lead by Matt Graver (Josh Brolin).From the word go the objective of the operation is unclear and mysterious especially the role of outside consultant, Alejandro (Benicio Del Toro) and Kate, who is a stickler for procedure, is horrified by Graver’s brutal and questionable methods. As the operation progresses she soon realises that not only is she in way over her head but that her role and motivations for participating might not be compatible. Sicario is dark, gritty and gripping from start to finish. While it is interesting watching director, Denis Villeneuve, explore the core theme of how much bad is acceptable in order to achieve a “good” outcome and how long it takes heroes to become villains along with the ultimate question of what it is that drives us, it’s the performances at the centre of the film that elevate it. Blunt is outstanding as always and brings real humanity and relatability to a character who could have come across as very unsympathetic. Brolin is also great as the seemingly casual but ultimately utterly ruthless Graver and Kenneth Kaluuya, is a standout in a supporting role as Kate’s partner. Ultimately it is Del Toro though who absolutely steals the show playing the tortured and conflicted, Alejandro. Every time you think you have figured him out he brings something more. While the writing certainly has a role to play when it comes to creating such a layered character it’s hard to imagine anyone else interpreting him so well. I did think there were a few minor pacing issues but it’s well worth a watch. 3.5/5

What do you mean I forgot my bra again?

Crimson Peak (2015)

Edith Cushing (Mia Wasikowksa) is an aspiring novelist and independent spirit who lives with her successful businessman father (Jim Beaver) and dreams of literary success. When she meets British inventor and baronet, Thomas Sharp (Tom Hiddleston) she’s not immediately sold and her father even less so but as they spend more time together love blossoms. After tragedy strikes, Edith marries Thomas and returns to Cumberland with him and his mysterious sister, Lucille (Jessica Chastain). As Edith explores the Sharpe’s crumbling mansion, Adderalll Hall, she is haunted by a serious of dark apparitions who appear to be warning her that something sinister is afoot. What are Thomas and Lucille hiding? Why can’t Edith enter certain parts of the house and why is Lucille so keen to keep force feeding her tea? Director Guillermo Del Toro is known for his dark atmospheric films and Crimson Peak is no different. Adderall Hall looks absolutely incredible, both beautiful and breathtakingly creepy and the attention to detail is spectacular. By setting it on a red clay mine Del Toro is able to imbue every scene with blood imagery so effective that it’s almost on par with De Palma’s Carrie. I also have to mention that the costumes, particularly Wasikowska’s are gorgeous. However style cannot completely compensate for substance and Crimson Peak is both slow and somewhat predictable. While Wasikowska, Hiddleson and Chastain all give good performances this highlights the fact that the supporting performances, particularly from Charlie Hunnam as Edith’s doctor and potential rival suitor, are weak by comparison. Not up to the high expectations I had going in. 2.5/5

Lucille’s flaps had long since frozen shut just like her cold black heart

R.I.P.D. (2013)

When police detective, Nick (Ryan Reynolds) is killed by his boss, Hayes (Kevin Bacon) while chasing down a suspect he is faced with the choice of being judged immediately or going through a type of purgatory by doing a 100 years as an officer in the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.). The R.I.P.D.’s main role is to round up the dead who have returned to the land of the living where they turn into mutants as soon as they eat… for reasons unknown. Nick accepts the assignment in the hope that he’ll be able to reconnect with his wife but he finds himself trapped in the body of an elderly Chinese man and saddled with an old West Sheriff called Roy (Jeff Bridges) as a partner. As Nick and Roy investigate an artifact that will allow the dead to take over the Earth Nick realises things are very different when you’re dead and in the meantime Hayes is not only scheming on Nick’s wife he might be about to unleash the apocalypse. There are bad movies and then there is R.I.P.D. This is quite possibly in the top five most terrible films I have ever seen. While Ryan Reynolds may not be known for making the best career choices both Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon have had epic careers so god knows what the two of them were paid to appear in this steaming turd. The story is incomprehensible, the script is flatter than a witches tit, the CGI is embarrassingly amateurish and the pace is crepuscular. No. Just No. I watched this movie so that you don’t have to… please do yourself a favour and avoid like the plague.

“Who are we shooting at?”
“The director of this movie!”

Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001)

Bridget Jones (Renee Zellweger) is a perpetual singleton who drinks too much, smokes too much and is almost guaranteed to make a tit of herself in almost any situation, which isn’t helped by the fact that her mother is permanently trying to set her up – most recently with, Mark Darcy (Colin Firth), a family friends’ seemingly boring son. You see Bridget has a crush on her boss, Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant), a notorious womaniser and while her mind is telling her no, her body is most definitely telling her yes. As Bridget wrestles with love, her career, her underwear and most importantly herself she’ll have to make a series of decisions not only about what and who she wants but also who she is. On the face of it Bridget Jones’ Diary is a pretty bog standard romantic comedy that shouldn’t have been particularly memorable, however Zellweger so beautifully encapsulates the character of Bridget that it has become a classic of the genre enjoyable even to someone like me who generally hates romcoms. While Bridget is almost always the architect of her own demise she makes the kind of decisions and follows the kind of thought patterns that anyone who has felt a little bit less than perfectly elegant has and it’s so easy to put yourself in her shoes. It’s also an excellent vehicle for Firth to play the initially po-faced Mr Darcy with warm and humour and for Grant dive into the kind of posh bad-boy role he was born to play. This is fare of the lightest variety but when it comes to a bit of feelgood romance you can’t do much better. The perfect girls night in classic and just as good as the book. 3.5/5

Hahaha… WINE!

So I was totally going to watch 4 horror movies this week for Halloween Film Friday but then I got super busy and I only watched like three… so this is 3/4 of a Halloween special…. which is more horror movies than I’ve watched for the whole rest of the year so um… go me?

The Last Witch Hunter (2015)

After being cursed with immortality by the Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht), Kaulder (Vin Diesel) is doomed to roam the earth hunting errant witches and turning them over to the witches’ council. He is helped in this task by a Dolan who is a type of archivist of Kaulder’s adventures. When the 36th Dolan (Michael Caine) and Kaulder’s only friend retires he is replaced by a much younger model (Elijah Wood) who will have to adjust to Kaulder’s high octane life of driving fast scars and shagging stewardesses. But it’s not long before Dolan 36th is at the brink of death under suspicious circumstances and Kaulder will need to revisit his past to not only save his friend but also prevent the end of humanity. Something he’ll need the help of Chloe (Rose Leslie), a young gifted witch who can visit other people’s dreams in order to do. The Last Witch Hunter definitely things it wants to have THEMES – like prejudice, mortality, superficiality… hell there’s even a bit of an environmental theme. Unfortunately none of these themes are developed in any way probably because Diesel’s acting style is very much that of the “Joey Tribianni smell the fart” variety, the script is laughable, the mythology is all over the shop and it isn’t even visually attractive enough to distract you from any of its shortcomings. So rather than being a fun, fantasy adventure romp it’s a plodding old mess… only for the most hardcore of Vin Diesel fans. 1/5

Fast and Furious 73: Hipster Overdrive

The Purge (2013)

In the near future the USA is a virtual utopia with only 1% unemployment and no crime. This is down to an annual event called The Purge where all crime and violence is permitted and excused with no consequences for twelve hours. Citizens tend to fall into two groups – those who take part and revel in the destruction and those who go into lock down behind seemingly impenetrable security system. One such family is the Sandins, who have become wealthy through the security system that James Sandin (Ethan Hawke) has developed, sold to the neighbours and installed in his own home. As the family hunkers down for the night, youngest son, Charlie (Max Burkholder) decides to let in a strange, homeless man to save him from the masked attackers that are chasing him. They are not willing to give in so easily and soon they are outside demanding the return of their prey or they will find their way in and kill the whole family. And if that isn’t enough there’s also a threat waiting inside that no one anticipated, kicking off a tense game of cat and mouse that might not leave any survivors by morning. I thought The Purge had a pretty good premise and I loved Rhys Wakefield as the polite but psychotic lead masked intruder. Unfortunately there were way too many questions and too much that had to be accepted on face value. I wanted to know how this one twelve hour period was curbing crime and unemployment. I could see how it was an out for those who commit crime and violence because they enjoy it but in my experience the vast majority of crime is driven by ongoing need, ongoing greed or addiction and twelve hours of carnage solves none of these things. I wish there had been more exposition and less stalking around the house. Decidedly average. 2.5/5

Trick or treat?

The Conjuring (2013)

After a series of disturbing events occur in their new home, the Perron family call in paranormal investigators, Ed (Patrick Wilson) and Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) Warren to help them rid them of what dark spirit is trying take hold. As the couple and their team investigate the story they uncover is more sinister than anything they have ever seen before with far reaching effects that will extend even into their own lives. The Conjuring is supposedly based on a true story, which has definitely had some influence on its success. It’s also helped by the fact that it has a great cast, not only in Wilson and Farmiga but also in Lili Taylor and Ron Livngston who play Roger and Carolyn Warren and the talented young actresses who play their five daughters. There’s a strong chemistry not only between Ed and Lorraine but the Perrons feel like a real family and it’s easy to care about their well-being. By focusing on character development, a slow build and creating a creepy atmosphere that doesn’t rely on jump scares, director James Wan elevates the material above the usual horror movie-haunted house/possession fare but I have to admit that it dragged just a little for me. Worth watching if you’ve ever wondered just what might be going on in your basement. 3/5

No, Beyonce is NOT ready for her close-up!

Teeth (2007)

Virginal teenager, Dawn (Jess Weixler) is adamant that she’s going to save herself for marriage. She speaks at school about purity, wears a purity ring and avoids any kind of temptation. When she meets Tobey (Hale Appleman) she finds herself drawn to him and believing he is just as committed to abstinence as she is, she agrees to spend time with him. Unfortunately Tobey isn’t as innocent as he seems and forces himself on Dawn, which leads to the terrifying but opportune discovery that Dawn has an internal defense mechanism that isn’t to be messed with. As Dawn wrestles with her conscience and the layers of her innocence are stripped away she starts to use her secret weapon as a method of revenge and destruction of that most sacred to man. Teeth is very obviously a giant coming of age metaphor focusing on the loss of innocence, the fear and power of burgeoning womanhood and discovering the power of your sexuality… which I kind of loved. Weixler is great as Dawn who goes on a crazy journey from total naivete to bad ass bitch, while maintaining  an entertaining level of quirkiness and I also thought Appleman was an interesting character well played. Unfortunately the remaining performances are really poor and the dialogue is a bit of a joke, which stops Teeth from being really weird but really good and puts it more into the category of just really weird. 2.5/5

Dawn was regretting buying that giant marshmallow

Those of you who follow the very prolific Movie Rob will know that he picks a genre every month an invites everyone to join in with reviews that typify that genre. This month I was given the great and most auspicious honour of choosing that genre… and I have gone with “alternative romances”.  I am not the world’s biggest fan of a typical Hollywood romance but I do enjoy films that explore the concept of romantic love from a more unusual angle. If you’re not sure what that might mean, here’s a post I did a while ago about some of my favourites.

I would love it if anyone decided to join in. You can send your submissions to Rob by the 25th of November at altlove@movierob.net  Try to think out of the box!

I will be reviewing:

Closer (2004)

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Warm Bodies (2013)

Lilting (2014)

After the tragic and unexpected death of his partner, Kai (Andrew Leung), Richard (Ben Whishaw) attempts to connect with Kai’s mother, Junn (Pei-Pei Cheng) who is living in a care home. Junn, who speaks next to no English is unaware of Kai’s sexuality and believes that his “friend”, Richard is the reason she was not able to live with Kai. In an attempt to warm Junn up to the idea of living with him and of sharing the truth about his life with Kai, Richard hires a translator (Naomi Christie). His intention is not only to help him communicate with Junn but also to help her communicate with her English boyfriend (Alan). But Richard is not prepared to deal with the complexity of his own grief at the same time as Junn’s and for every step he takes forward two are taken back. This affecting drama is absolutely beautiful to look at with starkness of its emotions reflected in its wintery pallet. Both Whishaw and Cheng give outstanding performances and while this is a compact story it is engrossing. A touching study on grief, the secrets we keep from each other and the nature of obligation. Highly recommended. 4/5

Richard spent the contemplating the meaning of life… but also wallpaper

We Are What We Are (2013)

The Parker family live deep in the woods and keep themselves to themselves. What their neighbours don’t know is once a year they perform a dark and disturbing ritual that they’ve been carrying down generation after generation. When their mother dies, daughters Rose (Julia Garner) and Iris (Ambyr Childers) realise they will need to take over from her, something they’re definitely not ready for. At the same time Doc Barrow (Michael Parks) has convinced a local deputy (Wyatt Russell) that the unexplained disappearance of his daughter may be connected not only to a series of other disappearances but also to the Parkers. There is no doubt that We Are What We Are is a very strange film with a very strange and somewhat unlikely premise, however I really enjoyed it. It’s gruesome, dark, well acted and beautifully shot and both the visuals and the score are excellent for creating an atmosphere of foreboding. I liked the device of the old diary being used to unravel the family’s terrible secret and I also liked how the sisters growing up meant they started questioning where their loyalties lay. One of the few good horror movies I have seen this year. 4/5

Rose and Iris were making good use of their mother’s new lipstick

My Old Lady (2014)

When Mathias Gold (Kevin Kline) inherits a Paris apartment from his estranged father all he is hoping to do is sell it fast and make a profit since he’s completely broke. What he wasn’t banking on was the the apartment would come with an elderly tenant named Mathilde (Maggie Smith) to whom he’d have to pay rent. And if that wasn’t enough her spiky daughter, Chloe (Kristin Scott Thomas) is also in residence. As Mathias tries to oust mother and daughter while dealing with his own conflicted feelings towards his father he learns more and more about Mathilde’s relationship with his father and how this affected his parents’ marriage as well as Mathilde. At the same time he finds himself equally drawn to and repelled by Chloe. I guess this is a pretty intense take on how parents can fuck up their children and at what point you have to start taking responsibility for you own actions. On the other hand it was billed as a comedy and there is nothing funny about it. With that expectation taking on this rather heavy, slow-paced film full of unlikable characters is a bit of a bummer no matter how awesome Maggie Smith is. 2/5

What do you mean that matching mother-daughter nighties are not de rigeur?

Robin Hood (2010)

I feel like I should mention straight off the bat that this movie is really kind of like a Robin Hood origins story, which I did not know when I started watching it. And so I spent almost two and a half hours wondering when the hell the bit about the stealing from the rich and giving to the poor was going to happen. I think maybe if I had have known that I would have been less disappointed with this but then I can’t stand Russell Crowe who was playing the eponymous hero so who knows. Anyway English sort of history, Prince John – massive douche, starving peasants, the French, Mark Strong, lots of arrows and obviously Mark Addy playing Friar Tuck. I can’t really tell you what was going on because I got mega bored and lost interest. 1/5

I’m on a horse

In November I had the honour of picking the genre for Movie Rob‘s monthly Genre Grandeur feature. I picked one of my favourite genres – Alternative Romances.

I wrote two reviews for Warm Bodies and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but loads of other people participated, which was awesome so I thought I would share a round up of their reviews so you can go and check them out!

• The Lake House by Movie Rob
• Celeste and Jesse Forever by Movie Rob
• (500) Days of Summer by Movie Rob
• The Time Traveler’s Wife by Movie Rob
• Lars and the Real Girl by Movie Rob
• Secretary by Sweet Archive
• Mannequin by Rhyme and Reason
• Brokeback Mountain by Fairytale Pictures
• Amelie by Life of This City Girl
• The Reader by Tranquil Dreams
• (500) Days of Summer by Rhyme and Reason
• Infinite Man by Epileptic Moon Dancer
• The One I Love by Rhyme and Reason
• Bernie by Digital Shortbread
• Her by Movie Rob
• Wall-E by Movie Rob

Naomi and Ely’s No Kiss List (2015)

Naomi (Victoria Justice) and her gay best friend, Ely (Pierson Fode) have lived in the same building their whole lives and been inseparable their whole lives. In order to ensure that they never fall out over boys the two of them maintain a “no kiss list” but when Ely develops feelings for Naomi’s sort of boyfriend, Bruce (Ryan Ward), all bets are off and their friendship comes under threat. Essentially Ely is really cool and interesting and Naomi feels left out so she huffs and pouts and gets in the way of him finding love with someone she doesn’t actually give a  crap about, which makes her a bit of a twat. It’s suggested that Naomi is in love with Ely and is punishing him for not returning her feelings. This also makes her a twat. I spent most of the film (when I wasn’t rolling my eyes at it’s wannabe New York hipster schtick) wishing Ely would just figure out Naomi was a millstone around his neck and just ditch her. Left unexplored is Naomi’s relationship with her mother (Maddie Corman) who has taken to her bed and mainlining prescription drugs since Naomi’s dad left her for a lesbian. That probably would have been interesting. Don’t watch this movie. The boys aren’t even very hot. 1/5

Naomi’s resting bitch face had bored Ely to sleep

Weekender (2011)

Dylan (Jack O’Connell) and Matt (Henry Lloyd-Hughes) are petty criminals and occasional drug dealers who spend their weekends enjoy the Northern English rave scene. When they decide to put on their own party and actually make money the two realise their could turn their passion into a goldmine. But with illegal raves come dodgy characters, drug problems, police attention and more than a few headaches. Soon the two mates are in way over their heads, Matt’s doing all the work and Dylan is doing all the coke. Weekender features some decent minor British actors as well as the now quite well respected O’Connell who all give passable enough performances but there is nothing new or unique about this very skippable, very predictable coming of age story. Meh. 2/5

No, there isn’t a giant ferret trapped up your bum. This why I told you not to take all those E’s!

Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008)

Best friends, Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) have lived together since they finished high school. They drift through life going from one McJob to another barely surviving and regularly facing eviction and their utilities being cut off. After attending their high school reunion and meeting the porn star partner (Justin Long) of a former classmate, Zack comes up with a “genius” idea to rake in the cash and solve their money problems once and for all – they’ll make and distribute a porn movie. The only catch is that the two will have to have sex on camera and they’ve never fancied each other… or have they? I have a confession to make. I am a bit of a Kevin Smith fan… not so much his more recent work but I grew up with several of his 90’s and early 00’s films and loved them. Zack and Miri is by no means one of his worst films but while it has the kind of raunchy, boundary-pushing comedy we’ve come to expect from him it lacks the blistering under layer of social commentary that makes films like Clerks, Chasing Amy and Dogma special. Rogen and Banks are both basically playing extensions of themselves which works and there’s a fun supporting cast including Craig Robinson, Jason Mewes and Traci Lords but ultimately there isn’t much to write home about. Fine for whiling away a weeknight evening. 2.5/5

I’m here to check her… er… pipes

8 Mile (2002)

Eminem plays Jimmy ‘B-Rabbit’ Smith a trailer park living Detroit factory worker who is also a promising rapper. With the guidance of his best friend, David ‘Future’ Porter (Mekhi Phifer) he competes in battle raps where he has the unfortunate tendency to choke and struggle to get out his words. If that wasn’t enough of a challenge he faces an ex claiming to be pregnant, a potentially unfaithful girlfriend, friends who are inclined to make terrible decisions, an alcoholic mother who constantly has them on the verge of eviction and a dangerous beef with a rival gang of rappers. As B-Rabbit starts to realise that he’ll have to rely on himself if he’s ever going to make it he’ll have to make a series of decisions that force him to grow up and decide what he wants from his future. 8 Mile isn’t terribly original but it is well-acted, has a banging soundtrack and features a young scene-stealing Anthony Mackie in a supporting role. It can’t hurt that Eminem is playing what is essentially an autobiographical role but he makes B-Rabbit believable while equally sympathetic and frustrating. A nostalgic watch that reminded me of being twenty-one again. 3/5

Once again trapped on the 57 bus, B-Rabbit wished he had sprung for the tube fare

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)

I want to write this review with as few spoilers as possible since I managed to completely avoid everything except a couple of trailers before seeing The Force Awakens and I think it significantly increased my enjoyment of the film. Almost thirty years after the defeat of the Empire a powerful organisation known as the First Order attempts to control the Galaxy while the resistance under General Leia (Carrie Fisher) and backed by The Republic, tries to stop them. With the last Jedi, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) missing, the Force is out of balance and the resistance’s only hope is to track him down using a piece of a map hidden on a droid but The First Order is not going to let things go quite so easily and as a young scavenger (Daisy Ridley), a fugitive storm trooper (John Boyega) and a couple of familiar faces get drawn in, a new adventure begins. I’ll start by saying that I kind of expected The Force Awakens to be a total bust so I went in with pretty low expectations and found myself very pleasantly surprised. Not only does it look fabulous but the balance of action, drama and comedy is on point. I also thought not only the older more experienced cast but also the younger cast, which also includes Oscar Isaac and Adam Driver totally brought it. I loved Daisy Ridley’s Rey who brings us a new, strong female character to continue Leia’s legacy. I also appreciated the fact that instead of CGI-ing the fuck out of the alien characters, they maintained the look of the original films – just better. Whether you’re a Star Wars fan or just enjoy a bit of a sci-fi romp this is not to be missed. Fun times. 4/5

When Jabba the Hut farts everyone better get out of the way

In the Heart of the Sea (2015)

In this recounting of the story that inspired Moby Dick, Chris Hemsworth plays Owen Chase, the first mate on a Nantucket whaling ship called The Essex. The ship is captained by George Pollard (Matthew Joy), hired for his family connections but lacking in experience of actually being in charge of such a large vessel. The two are immediately pitted against each other making for a tumultuous journey. If that wasn’t enough the whales are far and few between and greed and desperation drives the crew on a dangerous path that leads to tragedy. In the Heart of the Sea looks absolutely breathtaking but there’s a real lack of character development which stops it from reaching the heights it could have. There are some great moments of action but the build up feels like it takes an eternity and then once the main action has passed things really drag along. And then it doesn’t help that Hemsworth can’t quite carry his role and Cillian Murphy and even Tom Holland, who plays the youngest crew member, act circles around him and Joy. Watchable but ultimately forgettable. If you don’t get to see it in 3D I probably wouldn’t bother. 3/5

One Direction’s latest video was breaking hearts all over the place

Begin Again (2013)

Keira Knightley plays Gretta, a singer songwriter who finds herself at a bit of a loose end after her boyfriend (Adam Levine) finds fame and leaves her for another woman. While reluctantly playing live at a friend’s (James Corden) gig she is spotted by Dan (Mark Ruffalo), who has recently been fired from the record company he started. When his attempts to convince his former partner to record Gretta’s album fail he decides they should record it independently at various outdoor locations around the city incorporating their sounds. As the two work together they get the opportunity to work on their demons together and Gretta in particular helps Dan reconnect with his daughter (Hailee Steinfeld). It took me a long time to get around to watching Begin Again because of the terrible trifecta of Knightley, Corden and Levine. However I decided that Mark Ruffalo outweighed it. In the end I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this little love song to New York. Knightley is less annoying than usual, Ruffalo is as excellent as ever and the songs are actually really lovely. Better than expected. 3.5/5

Dan was having trouble covering up his uncontrollable farting

Iris (2014)

This documentary explores the life of 93 year old interior designed turned fashion icon, Iris Apfel, who is known for her eclectic over the top style. I have to say that while I appreciate how Iris manages to put together the craziest things to create a coherent and beautiful look and I do enjoy a bit of a look into the fashion world I feel like I could have gotten everything I need to get from this in about 20 minutes. So after almost 90 minutes I found myself getting really quite bored. One soon starts to feel like Iris’s public facing persona is as put together as her amazing fashion creations and director, Albert Maysles never really gets under the surface of what makes her who she is. 2/5

Coco Chanel just turned in her grave

Happy Christmas (2014)

Anna Kendrick plays Jenny, a young woman who decides to return to her home town of Chicago after splitting up with her boyfriend. She moves in with her brother (Joe Swanberg) and sister-in-law, Kelly (Melanie Lynskey), who have a one-year old named Jude. The intention is for Jenny to help look after Jude and give Kelly some time to work on her novel. Unfortunately she immediately gets off on the wrong foot by getting outrageously drunk while at a house party with her friend, Carson (Lena Dunham) making Kelly question her maturity level. But as the two get closer Kelly starts to draw inspiration from Jenny’s boundless enthusiasm, where Jenny begins to admire the sacrifices that Kelly has made in order to have a family but will it be enough to stop her self-destructive behaviour. While this film is called Happy Christmas and it’s set at the festive season this isn’t really an essential factor to the story, which is more about figuring out what you want from life and how to get yourself there. Both Kendrick and Lynskey give layered performances and I found the story to be very real and identifiable. I feel like I have had some Jenny moments in my past and as a soon-to-be-mom I could really identify with some of Kelly’s fears of losing herself completely to motherhood. Not an awful lot happens, it meanders a bit and the ending is somewhat unsatisfying but I feel like this movie has gotten a much harsher rap than it deserves. Worth a watch if you like any of the actors who star. (3/5)

Look, Jenny, I don’t care what you say Magic Mike XXL is not a modern masterpiece

Noel (2004)

When will I learn my lesson about these composite cross-over narrative stories. There is only one good one (mentioned later in this post) and this certainly isn’t it despite having a somewhat impressive cast. In the lead up to Christmas, divorcee, Rose (Susan Sarandon) takes breaks from her high flying job only to visit her almost catatonic mother in hospital. After a disastrous date with a handsome and much younger colleague she crossed paths with a distraught, Nina (Penelope Cruz) who has found out she is pregnant just as she has left her controlling and jealous cop fiance, Mike (Paul Walker). Mike has problems of his own since he’s being stalked by an elderly man (Alan Arkin) who claims that Mike is the reincarnation of his late wife and if that wasn’t enough there is a mysterious man (Robin Williams) visiting the patient in the room next to Rose’s mother’s and he is surprisingly interested in Rose. This whole thing is just a bag of cliches mixed in with enough weirdness to make it off-putting. I wondered several times what the fuck I was watching especially related to Mike’s story line and (SPOILER for anyone who ignores me and decides to watch this) the fact that Nina goes back to Mike despite his abusive behaviour sends a terrible message. No. Just no. 0/5

If I stare at it long enough maybe it will melt

Love Actually (2003)

And then we come onto Love Actually which is a multi-narrative that actually does work despite its many flaws.In the five weeks leading up to Christmas a group of Londoners cross paths as they discover what love is and what it means in their lives. There’s aging rock star, Billy Mack (Bill Nighy) who has a terrible Christmas single out and spends all his time with his manager (Gregor Fisher), Daniel (Liam Neeson) who along with his stepson (Thomas Brodie-Sangster) is struggling to get over the death of his wife,  The Prime Minister (Hugh Grant) who has eyes for his tea lady (Martine McCutcheon) and several more. I have seen this film countless times over the years and I can even remember going to see it in the theatre when I still lived in South Africa. There are definitely some story lines that work better than others – the one about Colin (Kris Marshall) and the “welcoming” American girls is horrible and Mark’s (Andrew Lincoln) interactions with his best friend’s wife and really creepy. The timeline also seems a bit bonkers for the amount that happens and these must be the richest Londoners in history based on how nice their homes are but overall Love Actually has a lot of heart and humour and enough darkness to stop it from becoming saccharine and what it ultimately triumphs is that love and happiness can arise from the saddest and most devastating moments in someone’s life. Still one of my favourite Christmas films and not just because, like Natalie, I live in the dodgy bit of Wandsworth. 3.5/5

Natalie, we have to talk about the octopus in the room!

The First Wives Club (1996)

Years after they last saw each other three women who were best friends at college are reunited by the suicide of the fourth member of their group (Stockard Channing). Brenda (Bette Midler) is a frumpy housewife whose husband has left her for a much younger gold digger (Sarah Jessica Parker). Elise (Goldie Hawn) is a fading movie star whose producer ex-husband is living off her vast fortune. And Annie (Diane Keaton) lives in hope that her husband is going to come back to her despite the fact that they’ve been separated for ages. As the three start to spend more time together they feed each other’s desire for revenge and form a club with the intention of ruining their exes. While I get the whole idea of not sitting back when you’ve been scorned and this movie had some funny moments a lot of The First Wives Club just didn’t work for me. I found it kind of sad that these strong, interesting women so desperately felt that they needed a man to feel complete that they would lower themselves to the outrageous behaviour that this film depicts. I wanted to see them move on, shake off their exes and have epic lives, not bickering and, especially in Brenda’s case, taking a whole load of shit from a man that wasn’t worthy to lick shit off their shoe. The First Wives Club tries to be about sisterhood but it leaves things far too late and combined with some ridiculous scene chewing from the leads it just hasn’t aged well. My apologies to my flatmate, Neil, who loves this movie and was very excited for me to watch it. I love you but I did not love this film. 1/5

After seventeen glasses of Chardonnay the YMCA gets complicated

Mansome (2012)

Infamous documentarian, Morgan Spurlock, takes on the concept of masculine “beauty” with the help of his good friends, Jason Bateman and Will Arnett. By exploring topics such as moustaches, beards, body hair, head hair… and just really hair in all places I guess Spurlock tries to get to the bottom of what it takes to be a modern man, why men have become more obsessed with their appearance and how this affects traditional masculinity. It’s all pretty tongue in cheek and really quite shallow and silly but potentially worth watching just for the sheer ludicrous spectacle that is competitive beard growing and the inane ramblings of self-named “beardsman”, Jack Passion, who might be the most tedious human being ever to walk the earth. Certainly not the worst documentary I have ever seen but since this doesn’t really reveal very much except that there are a lot of men out there shaving themselves from head to toe and wearing toupees you won’t miss much by skipping it. 2.5/5

Getting a facial is manly, right? Right???

All Good Things (2010)

David (Ryan Gosling) and Katie (Kirsten Dunst) meet, fall in love and quickly get married despite their very different backgrounds. Initially they open a health food store and live a life of carefree shagging and companionship but soon money worries mean that David is forced to join his wealthy father (Frank Langella) in his rather shady business. When Katie falls pregnant, rather than being excited, David is horrified and demands that she have an abortion, which makes Katie wonder just what has happened in David’s past. As things become strained between the couple they start to live separate lives with David spending most of his time working in the city and Katie continuing her studies. When Katie’s acceptance into medical school drives David over the edge, Katie decides she wants to leave him but not longer after that she mysteriously disappears. Years later David comes under suspicion and a sordid and dark tale begins to surface. Apparently this is based on a true story, which is pretty fucked up especially considering David’s weird behaviour post Katie’s disappearance. Both Gosling and Dunst give good performances and watching the relationship between their characters build and then unravel is pretty compelling viewing but ultimately the pacing feels off throughout and the build up is somewhat rushed. There are so many things that are under explored, especially David’s mother’s suicide and the inner workings of the family business. Less than the some of its parts and you can see why despite the high profile leads this never saw a major theatre release. 2.5/5

As much as I like this blanket, I would like you to buy me some clothes for my birthday please

Se7en (1995)

In the last week before his retirement veteran detective, William Somerset (Morgan Freeman) is assigned a new partner. Detective David Mills (Brad Pitt) is a seasoned but naive cop who has relocated to the city hoping to making his mark. Their first case involves the bizarre murder of a grossly obese man which they soon realise is connected to the gruesome death of an attorney known for defending murders and rapists and that the killings are unlikely to stop any time soon. While the weary Somerset initially doesn’t hold much stock in Mills’ abilities when his wife, Tracy (Gwyneth Paltrow) invites Somerset into their home the two begin to bond and soon become jointly obsessed with the case, something they will come to deeply regret. Se7en is easily one of the best crime thrillers ever made and unquestionably one of director, David Fincher’s best (after Fight Club of course). By combining a particularly dark and disturbing set of murders, with a truly chilling villain in Kevin Spacey’s John Doe, excellent multilayered performances from the two leads and some outstanding character development all the pieces fall together and it’s hard not to be glued to the screen all the way to the jaw-dropping ending. Although this film is twenty years old I still remember seeing it in the theatre and almost jumping out of my seat at one particular scene, which I won’t spoil for the three people who haven’t seen this. An absolute must-see… just don’t blame me if you have nightmares. 5/5

Somerset and Mills were really enjoying In the Heart of the Sea

Spellbound (2002)

This Oscar nominated documentary follows eight American children as the compete in the National Spelling Bee. For those who don’t know what a spelling bee is, it’s basically a competitive spelling event where super nerdy kids from around the country compete against each other for the grand prize. In the lead up to the competition we see the vastly different lifestyles of the children, from the daughter of illegal Mexican immigrants who barely speak English, to super competitive children of Indian parents obsessed with education to a girl who can’t understand why her mother won’t let her bring the au pair. We also see the various training methods and the energy and effort that goes into being at the top of your game. While all of this is kind of interesting it soon gets pretty boring and I couldn’t figure out why this documentary was so highly rated. I mean the words these kids can spell and remember are pretty impressive. I would like to think that I have quite a good vocabulary and there were several words that I had never heard before but I mean… eh… it’s competitive spelling… there’s only so much you can say about it. Undercooked. 2/5

Joe had become horribly stuck on supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

The Good Dinosaur (2015)

The Good Dinosaur explores the premise of what would have happened if the earth was never hit by the asteroid that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. In this imagined universe dinosaurs like Arlo (voiced by Raymond Ochoa) live together in families and even farm. When Arlo, the runt of his family and somewhat of a coward, is separated from his family he has to find his way back with the help of a dog-like human boy named Spot (voiced by (Jack Bright). On the way he will learn how to stand his ground as well as the true meaning of family. It’s a really simple story so there’s not much to say about it. The background animation is spectacular and Spot is incredibly cute but none of this makes up for the fact that there is nothing original or imaginative from Pixar’s latest offering especially when you compare it to the far superior Inside Out. I also want to mention that I saw this with a three year old who kept asking when the Minions were going to arrive. Draw your own conclusions from that. 2.5/5

Spot was more than happy to fight for his right to wear a leaf loin cloth

Slow West (2015)

When Jay Cavendish’s (Kodi Smit-McPhee) sweetheart, Rose Ross (Caren Pistorius) leaves the Scottish coastal town they grew up in for the untamed American West, jay decides to follow and find her. With little life experience and no survival experience he soon finds himself in completely over his head. What he does have though is money, which makes him a good target for a mysterious stranger named,  Silas Selleck (Michael Fassbender) who insists on accompanying him to find Rose… for a fee. As the two journey through their bleak, wild and often brutal surroundings more of their past and motivations along with Rose’s are revealed and it soon becomes clear that very little is as it seems. The cinematography in this weird little film is absolutely breathtaking and Robbie Ryan does an outstanding job of expressing the intense challenges of surviving in a harsh, lawless and largely unexplored environment. Both Smit-McPhee and Fassbender give compelling performances  and for the most part I found myself sucked in, waiting to see what happened next. I have to admit that I found the relationship between Jay and Rose a lot less interesting than that between Jay and Silas and it made the two parts of the story seem somewhat disconnected. I can’t complain about Pistorius’ performance though since she is a stone cold badass, ably supported by a gruff turn from Rory McCann (AKA The Hound) as her father. Ben Medelsohn also turns up and impresses as one of Silas’ former cohorts and watching the two circle each other like angry cats is a highlight.  Well worth a watch though whether you are a fan of Westerns or not. 3.5/5

Silas’ roadside barber shop was proving a hit… provided you sat very, very still…

The Last Letter (2013)

Catherine (Sharon Leal) and Michael (Omari Hardwick) get married despite Michael’s mother’s reservations and the fact that there appears to be zero chemistry between them. They move into Michael’s schmancy house, which is nice for Catherine since she was a foster child whose house burned down killing her foster father. Catherine really wants a baby but Michael doesn’t so she tricks him into knocking her up in the most awkward sex scene I have ever watched not just because I was watching this with my dad but also because Hardwick’s sex noises were so ludicrous I am surprised Leal managed to keep a straight face while she was mounting him. But anyway after the baby is born Catherine’s sleep disturbances become progressively worse, which leads Michael to wonder if she’s lost the plot. None of this is helped by the continuous presence of her creepy foster brother (Gary Dourdan) or the fact that the investigation into the fire that killed her foster father has been reopened. I think I have sort of managed to make this “thriller” sound like some of it made sense. It didn’t. Nothing made sense. Especially not the fact that [SPOILERS] Catherine neither ended up in prison nor a mental institution after she murdered her baby in her sleep, There is nothing good about this film – the acting (apart from poor Leal, who is trying her best) is appalling, the script is terrible and everything just screams low budget TV movie. Avoid at all costs (and learn in future not to let your dad pick the movie). 0/5

Michael and Catherine had already reached that part of the marriage where they couldn’t be arsed to talk during meals

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl (2015)

High school seniors, Greg (Thomas Mann) and Earl (RJ Cryer) have survived high school by avoiding joining any “tribes”, not taking sides and eating all the weird food that Greg’s dad (Nick Offermann) has to offer. Greg even insists that Earl is not his friend but more of a business associate, When Greg’s mother (Connie Britton) insists that he spend time with, Rachel (Olivia Cook), a classmate who has cancer, he is less than thrilled but his mother is insistent and soon he finds himself making daily visits. Rachel is also not immediately excited to have Greg in her home but as the two start getting to know each other a firm bond starts to form, one that will unsettle Greg’s entire carefully planned refusal to truly connect with anyone. It’s hard not to love Me, Earl and the Dying Girl. Not only is it packed with charmingly quirky characters including,  John Bernthal as a dedicated but heavily tattooed history teacher and Molly Shannon as Rachel’s mother who is using alcohol to cope with her grief, but it also has snappy dialogue and a heartwarming central story. I also got a big kick out of the weird, charming little movies that Greg and Earl make for their own amusement. Who doesn’t want to see Eyes Wide Butt? Mann, Cryer and Cook all give believable and touching performances in what could easily have become a cheesy, emotionally manipulative, tearjerker with less capable stars. Ultimately it might be a little to clever for its own good, which stops it from truly achieving greatness but if you want a break from teen romantic comedies and are looking for something with real heart, do yourself a favour and check this out. 3.5/5

Roadkill: a meal for the whole family

Joy (2015)

Since she was a young girl, Joy (Jennifer Lawrence) has made and invented things and been told by her grandmother, Mimi (Diane Ladd) that she was destined for greatness. Unfortunately the divorce of her somewhat unhinged parents, Rudy (Robert De Niro) and Terry (Virginia Madsen) and an unwise marriage to a Venezuelan musician (Edgar Ramirez) leaves her with two small children and few prospects. That is until she cuts her hands while wringing out a mop and comes up with an idea for a revolutionary, self-wringing miracle mop. But the road to business success is not a smooth one  and Joy finds herself coming up against obstacles at every turn, ones that would stop a lesser woman right in her tracks. I’ve read a fair few negative reviews for Joy and I can see what people are getting at. The script is pretty uninspired and often leaves members of its talented cast, especially Bradley Cooper as a home shopping network exec and Isabella Rosselini as Rudy’s wealthy girlfriend, at loose ends. Director, David O. Russell also introduces some interesting topics, like Terry’s relationship with a Haitian plumber and the family’s obsession with soap operas but never really pushes them to any sensible conclusion leaving the film somewhat confused in tone. All of that said, Joy is a great character, played with charm, maturity and vulnerability by Lawrence and De Niro is a riot as the completely self-indulgent Rudy. While this is far from Russell’s best, I still had fun. 3/5

Jennifer Lawrence was ready to shoot the next motherfucker who mentioned Coldplay in her presence

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (2014)

In the Iranian town of Bad City, populated by drug dealers, junkies, hookers and degenerates two lost souls are on the prowl. First is Arash (Arash Marandi) ,a gardener who has saved all his money to buy a particularly flashy car… one he is about to lose due to his father’s drug debts . Second is an unnamed girl (Sheila Vand), who has some pretty dark appetites that she’s willing to do almost anything to satisfy. When the girl’s actions lead to a change in fortunes for Arash, the two cross paths and an instant and intense connection is formed, one that neither of them really understands. The further way you get from the boundaries of the traditional Western cinema most of us are used to, the more interesting things get. And A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night is certainly an interesting film, rich in symbolism… a lot of which I feel like I would have liked to have sat with writer-director, Ana Lily Amirpour to fully understand. There’s the fact that its shot in atmospheric black and white, the pulsing electro soundtrack, the girl’s occasional donning of a hijab and Arash’s resemblance to James Dean to consider.And then there’s the lawlessness of Bad City and the way it seems to operate under its own established rules and classes. I suppose ultimately it’s a study in the clash between old and new world, between traditional and modern, rich and poor and the fall out that happens when different worlds collide… or something. Anyway it looks amazing, sounds cool and probably needs to be watched multiple times, by people smarter than me. 4/5

This was not what she had in mind when he suggested a spot of light fingering

Goodfellas (1990)

Since he was a young boy all Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) has ever wanted to be is a “wiseguy”. He sees the respect, money and power the neighbourhood gangsters have and sees this as the dream life he was destined for, despite the disgust of his family. He starts out running small errands for top boss, Paul Cicero (Paul Sorvino) but soon moves up the ranks becoming more and more enmeshed in the glamorous but often brutal world of the Italian mob.  He believes in the ethics, strict rules and loyalty that come with being part of the organisation and thinks of himself as untouchable but when things go wrong he finds himself out in the cold with potentially lethal consequences. I have seen a fair few mob movies in my life but I have to say that nothing quite tops Scorcese’s 1990 masterpiece. From the epic performances from an ensemble cast that also includes Robert De Niro, Joe Pesci and Lorraine Braco, to the blistering dialogue, the perfectly measured blasts of violence and the gripping story line everything falls perfectly into place. I also loved that it has that little signature element of surrealism around Harry dipping into his own stash. All that I am left wondering is why Goodfellas wasn’t the career launchpad it could have been for Liotta because he gives the performance of a lifetime. An absolute must-see. 5/5

Henry couldn’t help but be amused by Jimmy’s request for a Fanta lemon on the rocks

While We’re Young (2014)

Filmmaker, Josh (Ben Stiller) and his producer wife, Cornelia (Naomi Watts) are a 40 something childless couple who live in New York. Josh has been working on a documentary for 8 years having lost his way and his inspiration somewhat. At the same time both are struggling to connect with their friends who have started to have children and they’re feeling disconnected from each other. But when they meet a young couple things start to change. Buoyed up by Jamie (Adam Driver) and Derby’s (Amanda Seyfried) enthusiasm and passion for life both Josh and Cornelia start to reinvent and rediscover themselves and each other. They find themselves drawn into a documentary that Jamie is making and start to share their expertise and their contacts but as time goes on Josh starts to wonder if Jamie and Darby are really everything they appear to be on the surface. I’m right between the ages of the two generations depicted in this film but I definitely found myself identifying more with Josh and Cornelia… up to a point. Jamie and Darby immediately seemed disingenuous to me in their motivations and I wasn’t particularly surprised when I was proved right. Overall this is a relatively enjoyable if forgettable film which doesn’t live up to some of Noah Baumbach’s earlier releases but probably worth watching just for Driver who is most definitely a star on the rise. 2.5/5

Cycle YMCA… the latest hipster trend

Paper Towns (2015)

Quentin (Nat Wolff) has lived across the road from Margo Roth-Spiegelman (Cara Delevinge) since he was a young boy and in that time he has always loved her. Unfortunately for Quentin their childhood friendship has unravelled over the years as he’s become a bit of a dork and she’s become the rebellious queen of the school. That is until one night when Margo takes Quentin on an adventure that will completely change his outlook on life and make him believe that there is hope for the two of them yet. However in the morning Margo has vanished leaving only a few clues, which Quentin is convinced are specifically there to lead him to her. As he drags his friends, Ben (Austin Abrams) and Radar (Justice Smith) into the hunt and gets to know Margo’s best friend, Lacey (Halston Sage) better, Quentin starts to realise that he actually knows almost nothing about Margo. So I read the novel this is based on last year and thought it was pretty crap, probably because I am 35, not 17 and just don’t really get John Green. The film is slightly less crap, mostly because Wolff and Delevinge are good in their roles but most of the characters are still massively annoying. The worst being Ben and his whole creepy relationship with Lacey, which is even more cringe worthy on screen… more down to the script than the actor portraying him. If you feel like you must engage with Paper Towns go for the film over the book… or just skip it altogether because you won’t miss much. 2/5

This was not quite what Quentin had in mind when he suggested a little light fingering

Let’s Be Cops (2014)

Best friends, Ryan (Jake Johnson) and Justin (Marlon Wayans) expected to have the world at their feet by their 30’s but after Ryan’s football career was cut short by injury and Justin’s lack of confidence has failed to get him a video game development deal, things are less than stellar. This doesn’t stop Ryan from insisting that they go to their high school reunion dressed as cops (even though it’s not actually a fancy dress party… awkward). When they are actually mistaken for cops and see the benefits that come with being one of New York’s finest, the temptation to try it out again is too much to resist, especially for Ryan. Soon they find themselves pulled into a plot that involves the Russian mob and some very crooked cops… one that will test their friendship to the limits. Okay, let’s be clear… Let’s Be Cops is an extremely dumb movie with a completely implausible premise. There is no possible way that anyone could actually get away with what these two do… especially some of Ryan’s shenanigans. On the other hand the chemistry between Johnson and Wayans is excellent and watching Wayans play the straight man against Johnson’s manic energy does bring some laughs. It would be wrong of me to recommend this film per say but if an afternoon of brainless humour is at the top of your list then you might want to indulge. 2.5/5

Ryan and Justin were not ready for the full view of Subo’s thong

Dogma (1999)

Linda Fiorentino plays Bethany, a Catholic woman who works in an abortion clinic and is unsure of her faith after her husband left her because she was unable to have a child. The last thing she expects is to be visited by a winged man calling himself The Metatron (Alan Rickman) and claiming to be the voice of god. The Metatron informs Bethany that two fallen angels, Loki (Matt Damon) and Bartleby (Ben Affleck) have found a loophole in Catholic dogma that will allow them to return to heaven, thus proving god wrong and unmaking existence and she has been tasked with stopping them. She won’t be alone though… there are two prophets (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith playing Jay and Silent Bob), a disciple no one has ever heard of (Chris Rock) and a muse (Selma Hayek) to help her on her way. As Bethany reluctantly heads off, Loki and Bartleby wreck havoc and god herself is nowhere to be found. On the surface Dogma seems pretty ridiculous and is packed with the expected Kevin Smith crude humour, poop jokes (or poop demon in this case) and wacky dialogue. Just under the surface though is a razor sharp critique of organised religion but also a surprisingly sensitive and respectful one.  Fiorentino is excellent as the cynical but hopeful Bethany and Rickman steals every scene he is in… and it’s great fun watching Damon and Affleck have fun with their roles and play off each other. This is Smith’s smartest film by far which makes it so much more disappointing seeing his career unravel over the last decade. Whichever level you want to enjoy this on, it’s a great ride and one not to be missed. 4/5

Rufus and Bethany were starting to wish Silent Bob hadn’t had the curry for lunch

St. Vincent (2014)

Vincent (Bill Murray) is an aging Vietnam vet and a confirmed misanthrope, whose only “friend” is a pregnant Russian hooker (Naomi Watts). The last thing he wants is new neighbours but what he does need is money so when circumstances provide the opportunity to babysit his neighbour, Maggie’s (Melissa McCarthy) son, Oliver (Jaeden Liberher) for a fee, he can’t resist. While Maggie struggles to make ends meet and deal with the impact of Oliver’s father having left her for another woman, Vincent takes Oliver on a series of highly inappropriate adventures and we find out just why Vincent is so unhappy and what he needs the money for. St Vincent is not original in any way and even based on this short description I am sure you can picture just exactly the impact that Vincent and Oliver have on each other. And in the hands of a less talented cast it would probably be totally missable… but Murray is made to play the complex but frustrating Vincent, McCarthy injects humour and empathy into Maggie and Lieberher is charming  as the geeky, Oliver.  There’s also a dark subplot featuring some of Vincent’s more shady acquaintances that stops it from becoming a schmaltz-fest. 3/5

Wooah hokey pokey!

God Help the Girl (2014)

Eve (Emily Browning) is a recovering anorexic who has just been released from the institution where she has been dealing with a slew of emotional problems. She moves in with James (Olly Alexander), a fellow musician who has been teaching Cassie (Hannah Murray) to play guitar. The three bond through their issues and decide to form a band, one where Eve will write the majority of the songs. As the summer continues Eve and Olly get closer but is it time for her to break out on her own? I have to admit that the main reason I decided to watch this is because I am a big fan of Olly Alexander’s band, Years & Years and it’s easy to see just how musically talented he is from his role in this film. I was also really pleasantly surprised by how lovely the songs were. On the other hand  Hannah Murray is just playing her character from Skins and Emily Browning is as vapid as ever. They both have quite sweet singing voices but about halfway through this I just stopped caring about what was going to happen to the characters. Might just be worth getting the soundtrack instead of watching the actual film. 2/5

Be warned: Hipsters are coming to your town

White Oleander (2002)

Astrid (Alison Lohman) lives with her mother, Ingrid (Michelle Pfeiffer) a manipulatve and passionate artist who lives a wild life caring little for societal conventions. When Ingrid meets Barry (Billy Connolly) she breaks all her own rules allowing him to get under her skin – a decision which ultimately ends in murder. With Ingrid in prison Astrid is bounced through a series of foster homes where she must employ the survival instincts she has learned from her mother while Ingrid attempts to influence her life from afar. As Astrid confronts the harsh realities of life without her mother she begins to realise that when survival means closing yourself off to everyone around you it might not be worth it. Pfeiffer is absolutely excellent as the complex and often infuriating Ingrid and although she has a lot less screen time than Lohman has her performance is the one you remember. While Lohman does her best to bring across Astrid’s struggle to cope without the presence of her mother, dealing with her burgeoning sexuality and understanding the complexity of male-female relationships, she never quite shines in what could have been a career defining role. This is an affecting, enjoyable drama based on the novel by Janet Fitch, which I vaguely remember reading and enjoying but it doesn’t quite live up to its potential. 3/5

Mom, your flower arrangements might last a little longer if you try water instead of milk

Girlhood (2014)

Marieme (Karidja Touré) lives with her family just outside of Paris with her mother, sisters and older brother. Her mother is rarely present, spending all her time working so Marieme often takes care of her younger siblings. At the same time she is menaced by not only her brother, who is involved in a gang but also by the local neighbourhood boys. One day she is approached by Lady (Assa Sylla) who is the “leader” of a trio of girls who run together. She suggests that Marieme joins them on a trip to Paris and she agrees on the spur of the moment. Soon she finds a sense of freedom and confidence within her new group who rename her Vic and bring her into their world of teenage shenanigans which involves drinking, getting dressed up and sometimes getting into fights. Unfortunately this sense of freedom is nothing but an illusion and as Marieme begins to face up to the reality of a society where the future holds very little choice, things come crashing down around her. I found this film really affecting personally. I have always been fortunate to have close groups of girlfriends in my life. While we never fought other girls in order to take their honour by de-braing them, there was always a special kind of freedom to being with just the girls, which still exists for me. And I could completely understand Marieme finding herself within the group and the chemistry between Touré, Sylla and Lindsay Karamoh and Mariétou Touré who play the remaining two girls is excellent. On the other side I found the oppressiveness of the rest of her life and the violence of the gender politics she was engaged in upsetting and thought-provoking. For me this is a must watch and very highly recommended. 4/5

Lady had just about convinced the gang that they should become country and western stars

Trophy Kids (2013)

This documentary looks at athletically gifted children and the parents who push them to achieve. It plays out much the way you’d expect. The parents are mostly living out their own failed dreams through their kids, the kids are resentful and no one is happy. In some ways you can see the need for parents to help motivate their children but there were some moments that genuinely broke my heart. I was particularly affected by the father of a little girl who was a talented golfer who called her a bitch when she missed a shot and also mentioned that he was very proud of her but could never let her know that. Even worse was the father of footballer, Justus, whose constant need to bully his son to tears was heartbreaking to watch. When it came to the Bible-bashing tennis mom, religious mania aside, I found the way she talked about her twins good nature touching and her encouragement of them to be positive, showing that it’s not all yelling and punishments. Nothing particularly groundbreaking but it did make me think… especially about all the ways I do not want to raise Little O. 3/5

Justus’ dad was adamant that he was going to win the trophy for “dressing yourself the fastest”

Gone Baby Gone (2007)

Patrick Kenzie (Casey Affleck) and his girlfriend, Angie (Michelle Monaghan) are Boston private investigators who specialise in finding people who don’t want to be found. Having grown up in the “neighbourhood” Patrick is able to use his local knowledge and relationships to get him into places where the police aren’t normally welcome and to get information that people wouldn’t normally share with the police. When the two are engaged to “assist” the police in tracking down a child who has been kidnapped, they’re out of their comfort zone but Patrick feels compelled to help. This will plunge him into a dangerous labyrinth of crooked cops, drug dealers and addicts, twisted motivations and moral questions that will shake the very foundations of his belief system. Once again the Affleck brothers (this is directed by Ben Affleck) are drawn into telling stories of the Boston underclass and very successfully so. Casey Affleck plays Patrick with a raw vigour that brings across not only his tough side but also his vulnerability making him a character that it is easy to take interest in. He is able supported by Amy Ryan, Titus Welliver and Amy Madigan who play missing Amanda’s shady family, as well as an on form Ed Harris playing a detective who is not quite what he seems. Ultimately this is a study in what is morally right versus what is legally right and where we draw our own personal lines to decide what we can and cannot live with. A cracker of a watch that will put you on the edge of the seat and leave you thinking long after the credits have rolled. 4/5

I will shoot the next motherfucker who confuses me with my brother

The DUFF (2015)

High school senior, Bianca (Mae Whitman) has been friends with Jess (Skyler Samuels) and  Casey (Bianca A. Santos) her whole life… that is until her childhood friend and now-uber jock, Wesley (Robbie Amell) tells her that she is their DUFF. DUFF stands for “designated ugly fat friend” and doesn’t actually have to refer to someone who is fat or ugly but just less attractive than their friends and therefore more approachable. Realising that her friendship group is built on a sham Bianca engages Wesley to un-DUFF her and help her win the affections of her crush, Toby (Nick Eversham). [SOME VERY OBVIOUS SPOILERS] Along the way there will be the inevitable physical and emotional makeover before Bianca makes the realisation that only being yourself and how you see yourself actually counts. I think maybe I expected a bit too much from The DUFF. I thought it might be a bit of a breath of fresh air from the She’s All That style makeover movies from my teens. In a way it is, Bianca doesn’t turn into a beauty queen after she is made over but really just a better groomed version of her averagely attractive self. But the underlying essence is still much the same, just with more viral videos and social networks. I think maybe I also struggle to identify with this kind of movie since I went to a uniformed all girls’ high school and while I can’t pretend we were nice to each other all the time the kind of looks and clothes based bullying these movies depict just wasn’t a big deal. Not the worst teen movie I have seen in recent years but still nothing special. 2.5/5

Bianca was not quite ready for the site of Jason Segal in a mankini

The Firm (1993)

After graduating top of his class from law school, Mitch McDeere (Tom Cruise) is inundated with offers from law firms but he can’t resist the almost too good to be true Bendini, Lambert and Locke despite his wife Abby’s (Jeanne Tripplehorn) reservations. Soon after the two move to their new home in Memphis Mitch discovers that “The Firm” expects to control rather more of his life than he is immediately comfortable with. After two of the partners die in seemingly suspicious circumstances and Mitch is approached by an FBI agent (Ed Harris) he realises that Bendini, Lambert and Locke’s biggest client is actually the Mafia and he and his wife have become trapped between two powerful forces, neither of which is going to let them leave quietly. Now it will take all of Mitch’s ingenuity to find a way to get his life back without losing it in the process. In between all of this there’s a tragic past, a convict brother, a sneaky affair, Holly Hunter and some mail fraud and that’s just a very simple description of a very, long and twisty film that I probably shouldn’t have watched while trying to recover from my recent stomach bug. While Cruise is pretty good playing the type of role that made him famous and the supporting cast is more than able, this kind of legal/political intrigue isn’t really my bag and I got kind of bored. It’s all just very John Grisham, which is to be expected since he wrote the novel this is based on, and very late eighties/early nineties. If that is your kind of thing you’ll probably love this but if it’s not and you spent the previous night puking you might be underwhelmed. 3/5

Mitch had just discovered how sausage rolls are really made

Boychoir (2014)

After the death of his alcoholic mother and the rejection of his biological father (Josh Lucas), rebellious Stet (Garrett Wareing) finds himself shipped off to a prestigious all boys choir school. Here he is a complete fish out of water amongst his highly trained and well-off classmates but with a raw talent which is immediately recognised by his teacher, Master Carvelle (Dustin Hoffman). Will Stet be able to learn to control his temper and harness his talent before he beats the shit out of his smug rival, Devon (Joe West) or his voice breaks? Who the fuck cares to be honest. While the adult cast of this film sounds impressive on paper including Debra Winger, Eddie Izzard and Kevin McHale they’re all barely phoning it in and the child cast has definitely been chosen more for their ability to sing than act. Wareing is so awful you kind of hope that he’s going to fall in a hole ten minutes in and no one is helped by a script so flat it makes The Netherlands look like The Pyrenees. Also I am not sure if my flatmate and I are just completely uncultured but a lot of the supposedly beautiful singing sounded like cats in a blender to us. No wonder this went straight to DVD/Netflix. Bleh. 0/5

Stet couldn’t stop worry about the exact positioning of his bowtie

The Big Short (2015)

The Big Short looks at the global financial crisis of 2008 focusing on the group of hedge fund managers who predicted and profited from the crisis as well as the frankly terrifying greed from the big banks that lead to it. Christian Bale plays Dr Mike Burry, a sandal-wearing, metal listening, socially inept genius who is first to spot a series of markers he believes are likely to result in a financial meltdown. He is so convinced that the historically super-stable mortgage market is about to implode that he invents an entirely new “short” product and convinces some major banks to bet against it. This is also picked up by uber-competitive Jared Vennett (Ryan Gosling) who pitches getting in on the idea to Mark Baum (Steve Carell) – and by Jamie Shipley (Finn Wittrock) and Charlie Gellar (John Magaro), a couple of basement traders looking for their first big win. As we watch these groups investigate and expand their portfolios it becomes abundantly obvious that the entire US system is completely corrupt and totally motivated by greed. By getting Adam McKay (best known for Will Ferrell comedies) to direct what could have been a very dry subject becomes an exciting, humorous and tension filled look into one of the most globally devastating happenings of the last decade. He is particularly clever in using celebrity cameos to explain the jargon and acronym heavy terminology used by the industry and I was glued to the screen throughout. The narrative is definitely not without conflict, while the audience ultimately wants the cast to be right in order to expose the shocking behaviour of the banks and government when this happens the lives of ordinary people will be torn apart and McKay does manage to bring in some balance. Although possibly not quite enough. Bale is as good as expected as the maverick Burry and Carrell brings a complex and layered performance to a man torn apart by guilt and desperate to stick to his principles in a system too corrupt to let him. Educational, exciting and ultimately quite depressing this is one of the best films I have seen in ages. 5/5

The team had just found out who ate the last Krispy Kreme

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (2016)

In this film adaptation of the novel I recently reviewed, Lily James plays Elizabeth Bennet, one of five daughters trained in China to fight off the zombie hoard that has beset 19th century England. At the same time as trying to hold back the ever advancing plague they are also committed to finding husbands, something that seems within their grasp when the handsome Mr Bingley (Douglas Booth), his sisters and their friend, Mr Darcy (Sam Riley) move in to a nearby estate. Unfortunately Elizabeth and the very serious Mr Darcy get off on the wrong foot and the two find themselves adversaries even though they are fighting on the same side. Things don’t get any better when Bingley, who it seems was on the cusp of proposing to Elizabeth’s older sister, Jane (Bella Heathcote) quits Netherfield and it appears Darcy has dissuaded him from marrying her. Elizabeth finds herself far more taken with George Wickham (Jack Huston), an officer who not only has some shocking tales about Darcy but also seems to think he has found a potential way to deal with the plague. But as Elizabeth avoids a proposal from her cousin Parson Collins (Matt Smith), her sister Lydia (Ellie Bamber) runs off with Wickham and London falls to the undead menace, it becomes clear that things are not what they seem. So this film is significantly different from the book, mostly because Burr Steers is not forced to stick to the original narrative as closely as Seth Grahame-Smith was. This makes things a lot more dramatic and action packed which isn’t a bad thing. James is great as the stubborn, arse kicking Elizabeth but I didn’t really buy Riley as Darcy and Lena Hedley is criminally underused Lady Catherine de Bourgh who is supposedly the best zombie killer in England but never kills any zombies. Essentially this is fun in a silly, harmless way and probably a better way to consume this particular mash up than the novel. 3/5

Lizzy Bennet had just discovered who had eaten the last Krispy Kreme and she wasn’t happy

Legally Blonde (2001)

After being dumped by the man she thought she was going to marry (Matthew Davis) for being too frivolous, sorority queen, Elle Woods (Reese Witherspoon) decides to go to Harvard Law School to prove him wrong… and win him back. Here she discovers that her particular brand of pink-infused, ditzy glamour is not de rigueur and that she might have to do some work if she’s actually going to succeed. Fortunately for Elle she has drive, passion, relentless optimism and a surprisingly shrewd legal mind on her side, one that will stand her in good stead when she is called on to help out a former sorority sister who has been accused of murder. Legally Blonde could have been an exceptionally silly movie but Elle is such an awesome character. She’s smart, sassy and always true to herself. She doesn’t let anyone take advantage of her and she’s a loyal and dedicated friend with real integrity. A lot of her appeal is down to Witherspoon who is utterly charming. Jennifer Coolidge is also an absolute scene stealer as Elle’s manicurist, Paulette. A worthy guilty pleasure. 3.5/5

Tropicana Barbie meets Harvard Law School

Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde (2003)

Ah there’s nothing like a vastly inferior cash-grab sequel. Elle is back… this time taking on congress to try and get a bill passed to stop animal testing after discovering that her chihuahua’s mother is a testing subject. This second outing takes everything that was cute, fun and charming about the original and ratchets it up to eleven. The result is so whacky and overwhelming that it’s like eating three packets of really cheap sweets one after the other, having a massive sugar rush and then a massive sugar crash and wanting to kill yourself. On top of that the ridiculously twisty nature of the US government system is way too complicated to get your head around for what is essentially supposed to be a fun romp. Just stop at the first one. 1/5

Do you ever look in the mirror and think, I am just not wearing enough PINK?

Deadpool (2016)

By his own admission Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) is not one of the good guys. In fact he makes his money as a “merc”, kicking the shit out of guys who are essentially worse than him. What he does have going for him is a loving relationship with his beautiful but tough girlfriend, Vanessa (Morena Baccarin). When Wade discovers he has terminal cancer, he is willing to do anything to stay alive for Vanessa and not put her through watching him die a slow and painful death and so he takes up the offer of a shady organisation to activate his mutant genes and in so doing not only cure him but also give him super powers. What he doesn’t realise is that to do this he’s going to have to go through weeks of sadistic torture at the hands of Ajax (Ed Skrein) which will leave him unrecognisably scarred and hungry for revenge. Ajax and his sidekick, Angel Dust (Gina Carano) are not to be underestimated and neither is the X-Men team of Colossus (voiced by Stefan Kapicic) and Negasonic Teenage Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand) who are trying not only to contain him but also recruit him. Where Deadpool is amusingly different from the remaining X-Men films is in its self-awareness and willingness to break the fourth wall. Wade/Deadpool constantly talks to the audience and director Tim Miller pokes fun not only at himself but also at the cast and audience during the opening credits. It’s also rampant with bad language, violence, deeply inappropriate humour and nudity which puts it more in the leagues of Kick Ass than First Class. And it all works really well especially since this is the role Ryan Reynolds was obviously born to play. The question of course is whether it lived up to the earth-shattering hype. For Mr O, who is quite the Marvel fan (comic books as well as films), for me it didn’t. While I really enjoyed Deadpool, I can’t say I laughed out loud much and I found Ajax to suffer from the usual underdevelopeditis of comic book villains. Definitely worth watching but possibly not quite as “Oscar worthy” as some corners are claiming it is. 3.5/5

Either Sky makes all the Adult channels free or the teddy gets it!

It Follows (2014)

After sleeping with a guy she is dating, Jay (Maika Monroe) is followed by a strange threatening presence. She is warned that the presence can change its appearance to whatever it wants, only she can see it and it will continue to follow her until it kills her, unless she sleeps with someone else and passes it on. Reluctant to do so she hunkers down with her friends and attempts to come up with various schemes to get rid of the menacing presence that keeps appearing – as her neighbour, friends, family members and an array of weird strangers. I found It Follows to be quite a perplexing film… in a good way. First of all it’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it is set. The soundtrack is pure eighties electronica, the TVs are all from the 70’s and there are no mobile phones but one of Jay’s friends appears to have an eReader. There’s also clearly a lot of symbolism around modern relationships, sexually transmitted diseases and even potentially the disintegration of the family unit since Jay and her sister never seem to spend any time with anyone else in their family – even though they appear to live with them. At the same time it is also a creepy, atmospheric horror movie that eschews gore in favour of creating a sense of unease especially considering that the presence following Jay appears not to have any motive for its intention to kill her. It is potentially a bit slow moving and less scary than it is unsettling. Maika Monroe again proves that she is a rising star with a compelling performance as the terrified but resilient, Jay. Worth a watch if you like “unhorror” horror movies. 3.5/5

Hugh was going to make Jay watch the entire extended edition Lord of the Rings box set no matter what it took

Still Alice (2014)

Julianne Moore plays Alice Howland, a happily married highly successful linguistics professor with three adult children. Shortly after her fiftieth birthday Alice starts to experience bouts of memory loss and confusion so she decides to see a neurologist only to discover that she has genetic early onset Alzheimer’s disease. As the disease progresses we watch first Alice’s struggle to accept that she will lose everything about herself that is familiar as well as witnessing her ingenious coping strategies for living with the disease. At the same time there’s her husband, John’s (Alec Baldwin) desire to support her intermingled with his frustration and pain at losing his once fiercely capable and independent wife and the different ways in which Alice’s children deal with their mother’s changes. While the performances from Baldwin as well Hunter Parrish, Kate Bosworth and Kristen Stewart who play Alice’s three very different children, it is very much Moore’s show. She ensures that Alice is an empathic character but manages to avoid turning her into a saintly cliché, which is particularly evident in her interactions with her youngest daughter, Lydia, where she could be accused of using her disease as a bargaining chip. The whole time I was watching the film I kept thinking, I can’t imagine what it would be like if this happened to me and feeling robbed of the years expected ahead as well as of being capable and independent, which to me is the biggest evidence of just how successful this film is at achieving its goals. Moving, thought-provoking and a testament to Julianne Moore’s talent. 4/5

TBC

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Shaun’s (Simon Pegg) life is going nowhere. He lives with his feckless best mate, Ed (Nick Frost), works in a dead end job and has just been dumped by his beautiful girlfriend, Liz (Kate Ashfield) because she’s sick of spending every night in his local pub, The Winchester. When he and Ed wake up from a night of drowning their sorrows and discover that the country is in chaos having been taken over by a zombie plague they decide that they need to rescue Lucy, Shaun’s mum (Penelope Witton), kill his stepdad (Bill Nighy) who has been bitten and hole up in the Winchester. Unfortunately even the best laid plans never run smoothly and a hilarious and gory adventure ensues. As horror comedies go Shaun of the Dead absolutely deserves its place as a cult favourite. Not only do Pegg and Frost have amazing chemistry but there are enough pop culture references, incidents of slapstick humour, flights of dialogue fancy and disembowellings to satisfy anyone. At the same time it’s also a brilliant metaphor for the way in which the average person stumbles around in a zombified manner not realising what is going on around them or how life is slipping away from them. Endlessly rewatchable and always a treat, if you haven’t seen this you are most definitely missing out. 5/5

Shaun and his friends were feeling a little worse for fear after a night out at the Clapham Grand

The Revenant (2015)

Having lost his Pawnee wife when their village was burnt down by soldiers, all frontiersman Hugh Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) has left is his son, Hawk (Forrest Goodluck) who works with him as a fur trapper. When their group is attacked by a Native American tribe they must somewhat reluctantly escape into the wild and regroup to make the journey to their camp before winter overwhelms them. Here Glass is brutalised by a bear and left with injuries that should be fatal, leaving Captain Andrew Henry (Domnhall Gleeson) with no choice but to offer three men a bounty to remain with Glass and give him a decent burial when the inevitable happens. Hawk immediately volunteers, along with the soft-hearted Bridger (Will Poulter) and the considerably less likely candidate a mercenary scalping survivor named John Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy), who is only there because the other two have offered him their share of the bounty. When Glass fails to submit quickly Fitzgerald takes matters into his own hands, killing Hawk, leaving Glass for dead and misleading Bridger into leaving with him to catch up with the group. But Glass is not dead and he’s hell bent on getting revenge for his son setting off a journey that will test the power of the human instinct to survive to its very limit. I am going to come straight out and say that I loved The Revenant. I have read umpteen reviews with very differing opinions but I was completely and utterly engrossed, especially by DiCaprio’s performance. Despite him being almost silent throughout the film the level of emotion he is able to convey through the physicality of his performance shows why he was absolutely deserving of his Oscar win. He left me wanting to know so much more about Glass, like how he ended up living with the Pawnee. At the same time I found the supporting performances impressive, particularly that of Hardy. His character could easily have become a caricature of evil but while Fitzgerald is loathsome it is possible to understand how he has become so. I was also mesmerised by the cinematography and the exploration of the overarching themes of motivation, family and trust. An absolute triumph for director, Alejandro G. Iñárritu, who once again gives us a piece of cinema that will keep you thinking for hours afterwards. 5/5

Become a fur trapper they said. It’ll be fun they said.

Hoop Dreams (1994)

This ground-breaking documentary follows, Arthur Agee and William Gates, two aspiring basketball stars through their high school careers. Both boys come from disadvantaged urban backgrounds and both are offered scholarships to the prestigious St Joseph’s private school but here their fortunes change. William is the more naturally gifted and finds a sponsor but Arthur’s parents are pressed to pay half the fees, something completely out of their reach, and he returns to public school. After this neither of the two boys’ lives runs smoothly. William is beset by injuries and struggles with Coach Gene Pingatore’s relentless push to achieve as well as the pressure from his brother who failed to get to the NBA. Arthur’s family unit breaks down and he struggles with confidence after his ejection from St Joseph’s. And both boys are constantly on the precipice of being swallowed by their environment and turning into another “ghetto” statistic. I know very little about basketball and this documentary was about three hours long so the fact that it gripped me from start to finish is testament to director, Steve James’ ability to tell a compelling story. As a social commentary Hoop Dreams is that much more powerful and frustrating (in a good way) because it’s real, its characters are so compelling and it’s relevant even though it’s twelve years old. Highly recommended. 5/5

Arthur had seen the future and it was all orange

Man of Steel (2013)

So if I can remember this right… because it was Saturday morning and I was half asleep… Planet Krypton is dying out so scientist Jor-El (Russell Crowe) puts his newborn son in a pod and sends him to Earth just as General Zod (Michael Shannon) is attempting a coup. This ends in the destruction of the planet and Zod and his cronies being launched into space. Little Kal-El crash lands into a barn where he is adopted by Jonathan (Kevin Costner) and Martha Kent (Diane Lane) and renamed Clark. Having passed through the sun’s radiation Clark (Henry Cavill) has some unusual abilities, ones that his adoptive father urges him to hide to avoid becoming a target but when Zod rocks up on Earth, Clark discovers the truth about his origins and must come out of the shadows to save the people he has grown to love… especially a certain journalist called Lois Lane (Amy Adams). As superhero movies go Man of Steel is a lot better developed than most. Clark/Superman is a complex layered character and even General Zod actually has some motivations… plus you know… Michael Shannon. On the other hand it’s really long. I mean like fucking long. I mean like I had to take a nap in the middle. I did like seventeen loads of laundry while it was on. As much as I was getting into the story and enjoying the performances after about an hour and 45 minutes I just wanted it to be over. Shaving off half an hour probably would have made it one of the better superhero movies I have seen lately but it’s hard to recommend anything that long that didn’t actually hold my attention all the way through. 3/5

I love the smell of lycra in the morning…

Restless (2011)

Since his parents died Enoch (Henry Hopper) has left school and takes solace in attending strangers’ funerals. This is where he meets Annabel (Mia Wasikowska), a terminally ill girl with three months to live and a fascination with nature. Both are quirky characters obsessed with death so it’s unsurprising that they hit it off. Annabel isn’t even freaked out by the fact that Enoch’s only friend is Hiroshi (Ryô Kase), the ghost of a WWII kamikaze pilot. However as the two fall in love and find out more about each other’s journeys the reality that Annabel won’t be around for much longer starts to have a serious impact. I love Mia Wasikowska and this was directed by Gus van Sant so I thought it might be a good shout but unfortunately it is riddled with flaws. Hopper isn’t up to par with their Wasikowska or Kase so his performance never really rings true. It also appears that van Sant has gotten too sucked into his own desire for whimsy to pull the punches he needs to and when things get serious it’s kind of a shock to the system. Ultimately this is sweet I suppose but very, very skippable. 2/5

Bored by their matching haircuts, Enoch had fallen asleep on the bus

The Two Faces of January (2014)

Rydal (Oscar Isaac), an American who works as a tour guide and panhandler in Athens, finds himself drawn to couple, Chester (Viggo Mortensen) and Colette (Kirsten Dunst). Colette is beautiful and charming and Chester reminds him of his recently deceased estranged father so he spends an evening entertaining them using his superior knowledge of Athenian restaurants and bars. When he returns to his hotel to give Colette back the bracelet she has left in their cab he inadvertently assists Chester in committing a sinister act.This ties the three new companions together as Rydal attempts to help them escape Athens before the authorities catch up with them. As the extent of Chester’s criminal activities becomes apparent the story gets twistier and twistier, Rydal gets in deeper and realises that Colette is not as innocent as she seems.While I found myself drawn into this somewhat mysterious tale I did constantly find myself with nagging questions. I could see that Rydal  was trying to skim money off Chester but the level of danger he was willing to put himself in for a total stranger seemed unwarranted. I also thought that his attraction to Colette was undercooked along with his backstory. I don’t feel like this was the fault of the actors who all give strong performances but more the writing. A perfectly acceptable film to while a weekday evening with but it’s not likely you’ll remember it in a month from now. 3/5

Everybody, come and see how good I look!

Shaun the Sheep Movie (2015)

Convinced that life on the farm is getting a bit boring, Shaun and his fuzzy friends create and elaborate plan to keep the farmer in bed and have a day off to themselves. Unfortunately the plan goes awry and the farmer ends up trapped in the big city with amnesia living a new life as a highly sought after hairdresser. Racked with guilt and missing their way of life the sheep head into the city to save him but there is an animal control officer on the prowl who isn’t going to let them get away easily. So I have never actually watched the Shaun the Sheep TV show although I feel like this is something that is likely to change considering my current condition. I had seen the trailer for this and thought that the fact that there is no actual dialogue was kind of fun and interesting plus Aardman is always good value. And this was a lot of fun. The sheep and their particular fish-out-of-water physical comedy are adorable and hilarious and this would be enjoyable for anyone of any age. However, even though the whole film was only 84 minutes long I got a bit tired of it and lost concentration towards the end. It might have been because I was on a train journey after a flight but an hour would have been plenty for me. if you are going to watch something with kids though this is so much better than almost anything Disney. 3/5

Shaun had just eaten the neighbour’s prize rosebush and it was high fives all around

Son of Rambow (2007)

Will Proudfoot (Bill Milner) is a member of the Plymouth Brethren, a strict religious sect that allows little outside influence and especially no films or television. Will attends a normal secular school but doesn’t mix much with the other kids. Equally outside the mainstream is Lee Carter (Will Poulter),a tearaway who smokes, bootlegs movies and has almost no supervision other than his teenage brother (Ed Westwick). When the two cross paths and Will accidentally watches First Blood the they form an unlikely friendship that results in them deciding to make their own version of the film where Will will star as the son of Rambow (sic). Unfortunately the course of even true friendship has never run smooth. To avoid the scrutiny of his mother (Jessica Hynes) Will will have to come up with ever more elaborate lies to explain where he’s been and with whom and when exotic French exchange student, Didier (Jules Sitruk) and his entourage get involved Lee starts to feel like he’s losing control of his own project. This is a sweet, touching and very imaginative coming of age story that uses its talented young actors to its best advantage. Although Will and Lee are so different I fell in love with both of them. Will’s naive enthusiasm is infectious and Lee’s tough exterior paired with a heart of gold makes him hard not to love. I also enjoyed Will’s mother’s story line as a woman struggling to manage two children and her ailing mother after the death of her husband while also questioning her faith. There are places where the story is a bit obvious and predictable but I think this is intentional to ensure that it is accessible to younger audiences. Absolutely recommended for the whole family. 4/5

Kids’ movie day sure has changed since the 80s

Cloverfield (2008)

Rob (Michael Stahl-David) is about to move to Japan so on the night before he leaves his closest friends,  gather to bid him farewell, all of which is being documented by his friend, Hud (T.J. Miller). This also happens to be the night that New York is attacked by some kind of creature that appears to have emerged from the depths of the ocean throwing the city into chaos. As Hud continues to film the group of friends must decide whether they are going to heed the call to evacuate or go back and try and find Beth (Odette Anabel), Rob’s sometime lover who is trapped in her apartment, risking all their lives in the process. Cloverfield was one of the first films in the found footage genre and is presented as a tape recovered by the military following the New York attack. At the time I think it was revolutionary and seeing this kind of monster-disaster narrative played out from the perspective of ordinary people, demonstrating their fear, horror and claustrophobia was an absolute novelty. This probably drew a lot more interest than it might have done if released now. Overall it does a great job of capturing what it might be like to be trapped in a disaster situation and there is just about enough character development to make you sort of care a little about what happens to Rob and his friends but at the same time it falls down for exactly the reason that most found footage films do. When things get really intense it is very hard to believe that Hud wouldn’t put down the camera and get on with it for no other reason that to have both his hands free. 3/5

Kim K was about to “break the internet” again and fear at what she might reveal next reverberated through the room

Spotlight (2015)

Spotlight tells the true story of a group of investigative journalists at the Boston Globe who in 2001 uncovered the Catholic Church’s cover up of a scandal involving priests who molested children. The investigation starts with a single priest who has been accused but as the team uses their impressive detective skills to dig ever deeper, interviewing victims, lawyers and even a former priest who has been studying the psychological phenomenon they realise that this is only the tip of a truly horrific iceberg.

What makes the discovery particularly horrific is not only the position of trust the Church holds but just how insidious its attempts to protect itself and its own at the expense of the innocent have been over decades. Boasting an outstanding cast that includes an ever impressive Mark Ruffalo, Michael Keaton, Stanley Tucci, Rachel McAdams, Liev Schriber, Billy Crudup and John Slattery, Spotlight draws you in not only through the power of the story it unfolds but also the profound effect it has on those who have uncovered it. This is even more evident as the team realises they’ve had much of the informaiton at their fingertips fof yeats. While this is a well-told, highly authentic and very important story with excellent performances that I would highly recommend, it all played out just a little bit too straightforwardly for me. I can see why it won the Best Picture Oscar but it would not have been my pick. 4/5

The Spotlight team was starting to regret Googling Trump’s manifesto

Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)

Juliette Binoche plays Maria Enders a world famous film star who got her first break playing a young character called Sigrid in a play featuring a lesbian May-December romance. Now she is asked to revisit the play but this time in the role Sigrid’s older lover, Helena, with Sigrid played by a reckless paparazzi hounded starlet named, Jo-Ann Ellis (Chloë Grace Moretz). Maria heads to the remote Sils Maria with her assistant Valentine (Kristen Stewart) to prepare but as they run lines, Maria finds it ever more challenging to come to terms with the fact that she is reaching the twilight of her career and desirability. She is also drawn not only to Valentine, as there is a suggestion that life might be imitating art, but also to Jo-Ann who simultaneously fascinates, repulses and reminds her of her former self. So there is a lot going on in this film and themes abound but because nothing is developed particularly well it also feels a bit like there’s actually nothing going on. Binoche is as fabulous as ever and Stewart gives it a good go although never coming close to her older co-star. Moretz is uninspiring by comparison to both but it’s hard to tell if this is just because her character is somewhat clichéd and underwritten. In the end the biggest draw turns out to be the magnificent scenery. Interesting but ultimately undercooked. 2.5/5

What do you mean wine and cigarettes are not the key to a youthful figure

The Painted Veil (2006)

Kitty (Naomi Watts) agrees to marry infectious disease specialist, Walter Fane (Edward Norton) mostly to get away from her overbearing parents. The two move to China, where although Walter appears to love Kitty, he is unable to show her much affection or take much interest in her life driving her into an affair with their friend, Charlie Townsend (Liev Schreiber).  Having discovered the affair, Walter insists that Kitty follow him to a remote region where he will assist with a cholera outbreak. Initially Kitty believes Charlie will leave his wife for her but when this does not materialise she is forced to follow the ever more cold and indifferent Walter. But as their new environment tests and challenges the pair and they begin to communicate they realise that their marriage may not be as hopeless as either of them believed. All of this plays out against a volatile political situation and an intense culture clash between east and west. Watts does a great job with Kitty who is a frustrating and self-destructive character, mostly because she is desperate for passion and feels completely stifled by the conventions of daily life. Norton and Schreiber provide competent support along with Anthony Chau-Sang Wong, who plays the military colonel assisting Walter with the locals. Even the British accents aren’t bad at all. There are pacing problems though, especially at the start and all the gorgeous scenery in the world couldn’t stop me from wishing things would just get going for the first hour. If you can find your way through that though you’ll be rewarded for your perseverance with some decent character development. 3/5

“Hurry up and row faster. I’m missing Gogglebox!”

Wayne’s World 2 (1993)

Best friends, Wayne (Mike Myers) and Garth (Dana Carvey) are back in this follow-up to the cult hit, Wayne’s World. This time they’ve finally moved out of their parents’ homes, Wayne is still dating the beautiful Cassandra (Tia Carrere) and even Garth has a love interest (Kim Basinger). But even with all this, Wayne feels like he’s not doing enough with his life and when he is visited by Jim Morrison in a dream and told to put on a festival he finds the direction he is looking for. It won’t be easy though, none of the bands he’s booked have confirmed, no one has bought any tickets and Cassandra seems to be at risk of running off with her producer, Christopher Walken. So Wayne’s World 2 is even dumber than Wayne’s World with even less of a coherent story line and zero character development. It is a massive part of my early teens though, a total pop culture barometer and endlessly quotable with the best part of the film being a scene stealing performance by Ralph Brown as the uber roadie that Wayne convinces to help him put on Waynestock. Between him, Walken and Jeff Wong as Cassandra’s dad, Myers and Carvey almost get lost in their own movie. Whether you’ll enjoy this if you never saw it at thirteen is anyone’s guess but it still absolutely cracks me up despite its flaws. 3.5/5

Neither Wayne nor Garth was ready to explore the concept of